Chapter 2

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TREATSOFOLIVERTWIST‘SGROWTH，EDUCATION，ANDBOARD

Forthenexteightortenmonths，Oliverwasthevictimofasystematiccourseoftreacheryanddeception。Hewasbroughtupbyhand。Thehungryanddestitutesituationoftheinfantorphanwasdulyreportedbytheworkhouseauthoritiestotheparishauthorities。Theparishauthoritiesinquiredwithdignityoftheworkhouseauthorities，whethertherewasnofemalethendomiciledin‘thehouse’whowasinasituationtoimparttoOliverTwist，theconsolationandnourishmentofwhichhestoodinneed。Theworkhouseauthoritiesrepliedwithhumility，thattherewasnot。Uponthis，theparishauthoritiesmagnanimouslyandhumanelyresolved，thatOlivershouldbe‘farmed，’or，inotherwords，thatheshouldbedispatchedtoabranch-workhousesomethreemilesoff，wheretwentyorthirtyotherjuvenileoffendersagainstthepoor-laws，rolledaboutthefloorallday，withouttheinconvenienceoftoomuchfoodortoomuchclothing，undertheparentalsuperintendenceofanelderlyfemale，whoreceivedtheculpritsatandfortheconsiderationofsevenpence-halfpennypersmallheadperweek。Sevenpence-halfpenny'sworthperweekisagoodrounddietforachild；agreatdealmaybegotforsevenpence-halfpenny，quiteenoughtooverloaditsstomach，andmakeituncomfortable。Theelderlyfemalewasawomanofwisdomandexperience；sheknewwhatwasgoodforchildren；andshehadaveryaccurateperceptionofwhatwasgoodforherself。So，sheappropriatedthegreaterpartoftheweeklystipendtoherownuse，andconsignedtherisingparochialgenerationtoevenashorterallowancethanwasoriginallyprovidedforthem。Therebyfindinginthelowestdepthadeeperstill；andprovingherselfaverygreatexperimentalphilosopher。

Everybodyknowsthestoryofanotherexperimentalphilosopherwhohadagreattheoryaboutahorsebeingabletolivewithouteating，andwhodemonstrateditsowell，thathehadgothisownhorsedowntoastrawaday，andwouldunquestionablyhaverenderedhimaveryspiritedandrampaciousanimalonnothingatall，ifhehadnotdied，four-and-twentyhoursbeforehewastohavehadhisfirstcomfortablebaitofair。Unfortunatelyfor，theexperimentalphilosophyofthefemaletowhoseprotectingcareOliverTwistwasdeliveredover，asimilarresultusuallyattendedtheoperationof_her_system；forattheverymomentwhenthechildhadcontrivedtoexistuponthesmallestpossibleportionoftheweakestpossiblefood，itdidperverselyhappenineightandahalfcasesoutoften，eitherthatitsickenedfromwantandcold，orfellintothefirefromneglect，orgothalf-smotheredbyaccident；inanyoneofwhichcases，themiserablelittlebeingwasusuallysummonedintoanotherworld，andtheregatheredtothefathersithadneverknowninthis。

Occasionally，whentherewassomemorethanusuallyinterestinginquestuponaparishchildwhohadbeenoverlookedinturningupabedstead，orinadvertentlyscaldedtodeathwhentherehappenedtobeawashing--thoughthelatteraccidentwasveryscarce，anythingapproachingtoawashingbeingofrareoccurrenceinthefarm--thejurywouldtakeitintotheirheadstoasktroublesomequestions，ortheparishionerswouldrebelliouslyaffixtheirsignaturestoaremonstrance。Buttheseimpertinenceswerespeedilycheckedbytheevidenceofthesurgeon，andthetestimonyofthebeadle；theformerofwhomhadalwaysopenedthebodyandfoundnothinginside（whichwasveryprobableindeed），andthelatterofwhominvariablysworewhatevertheparishwanted；whichwasveryself-devotional。Besides，theboardmadeperiodicalpilgrimagestothefarm，andalwayssentthebeadlethedaybefore，tosaytheyweregoing。Thechildrenwereneatandcleantobehold，when_they_went；andwhatmorewouldthepeoplehave！

Itcannotbeexpectedthatthissystemoffarmingwouldproduceanyveryextraordinaryorluxuriantcrop。OliverTwist'sninthbirthdayfoundhimapalethinchild，somewhatdiminutiveinstature，anddecidedlysmallincircumference。ButnatureorinheritancehadimplantedagoodsturdyspiritinOliver'sbreast。Ithadhadplentyofroomtoexpand，thankstothesparedietoftheestablishment；andperhapstothiscircumstancemaybeattributedhishavinganyninthbirth-dayatall。Bethisasitmay，however，itwashisninthbirthday；andhewaskeepingitinthecoal-cellarwithaselectpartyoftwootheryounggentleman，who，afterparticipatingwithhiminasoundthrashing，hadbeenlockedupforatrociouslypresumingtobehungry，whenMrs。Mann，thegoodladyofthehouse，wasunexpectedlystartledbytheapparitionofMr。Bumble，thebeadle，strivingtoundothewicketofthegarden-gate。

‘Goodnessgracious！Isthatyou，Mr。Bumble，sir？’saidMrs。Mann，thrustingherheadoutofthewindowinwell-affectedecstasiesofjoy。‘（Susan，takeOliverandthemtwobratsupstairs，andwash’emdirectly。）--Myheartalive！Mr。Bumble，howgladIamtoseeyou，sure-ly！‘

Now，Mr。Bumblewasafatman，andacholeric；so，insteadofrespondingtothisopen-heartedsalutationinakindredspirit，hegavethelittlewicketatremendousshake，andthenbestoweduponitakickwhichcouldhaveemanatedfromnolegbutabeadle's。

‘Lor，onlythink，’saidMrs。Mann，runningout，--forthethreeboyshadbeenremovedbythistime，--‘onlythinkofthat！ThatIshouldhaveforgottenthatthegatewasboltedontheinside，onaccountofthemdearchildren！Walkinsir；walkin，pray，Mr。Bumble，do，sir。’

Althoughthisinvitationwasaccompaniedwithacurtseythatmighthavesoftenedtheheartofachurch-warden，itbynomeansmollifiedthebeadle。

‘Doyouthinkthisrespectfulorproperconduct，Mrs。Mann，’inquiredMr。Bumble，graspinghiscane，‘tokeeptheparishofficersawaitingatyourgarden-gate，whentheycomehereuponporochialbusinesswiththeporochialorphans？Areyouaweer，Mrs。Mann，thatyouare，asImaysay，aporochialdelegate，andastipendiary？’

‘I'msureMr。Bumble，thatIwasonlyatellingoneortwoofthedearchildrenasissofondofyou，thatitwasyouacoming，’repliedMrs。Mannwithgreathumility。

Mr。Bumblehadagreatideaofhisoratoricalpowersandhisimportance。Hehaddisplayedtheone，andvindicatedtheother。Herelaxed。

‘Well，well，Mrs。Mann，’herepliedinacalmertone；‘itmaybeasyousay；itmaybe。Leadthewayin，Mrs。Mann，forIcomeonbusiness，andhavesomethingtosay。’

Mrs。Mannusheredthebeadleintoasmallparlourwithabrickfloor；placedaseatforhim；andofficiouslydepositedhiscockedhatandcaneonthetablebeforehim。Mr。Bumblewipedfromhisforeheadtheperspirationwhichhiswalkhadengendered，glancedcomplacentlyatthecockedhat，andsmiled。Yes，hesmiled。Beadlesarebutmen：andMr。Bumblesmiled。

‘Nowdon'tyoubeoffendedatwhatI'magoingtosay，’observedMrs。Mann，withcaptivatingsweetness。‘You'vehadalongwalk，youknow，orIwouldn'tmentionit。Now，willyoutakealittledropofsomethink，Mr。Bumble？’

‘Notadrop。Noradrop，’saidMr。Bumble，wavinghisrighthandinadignified，butplacidmanner。

‘Ithinkyouwill，’saidMrs。Mann，whohadnoticedthetoneoftherefusal，andthegesturethathadaccompaniedit。‘Justaleetledrop，withalittlecoldwater，andalumpofsugar。’

Mr。Bumblecoughed。

‘Now，justaleetledrop，’saidMrs。Mannpersuasively。

‘Whatisit？’inquiredthebeadle。

‘Why，it'swhatI'mobligedtokeepalittleofinthehouse，toputintotheblessedinfants’Daffy，whentheyain'twell，Mr。Bumble，‘repliedMrs。Mannassheopenedacornercupboard，andtookdownabottleandglass。’It'sgin。I'llnotdeceiveyou，Mr。B。It'sgin。‘

‘DoyougivethechildrenDaffy，Mrs。Mann？’inquiredBumble，followingwithhiseyestheinterestingprocessofmixing。

‘Ah，bless’em，thatIdo，dearasitis，‘repliedthenurse。’Icouldn'tsee‘emsufferbeforemyveryeyes，youknowsir。’

‘No’；saidMr。Bumbleapprovingly；‘no，youcouldnot。Youareahumanewoman，Mrs。Mann。’（Hereshesetdowntheglass。）‘Ishalltakeaearlyopportunityofmentioningittotheboard，Mrs。Mann。’（Hedrewittowardshim。）‘Youfeelasamother，Mrs。Mann。’（Hestirredthegin-and-water。）‘I--Idrinkyourhealthwithcheerfulness，Mrs。Mann’；andheswallowedhalfofit。

‘Andnowaboutbusiness，’saidthebeadle，takingoutaleathernpocket-book。‘Thechildthatwashalf-baptizedOliverTwist，isnineyearoldto-day。’

‘Blesshim！’interposedMrs。Mann，inflamingherlefteyewiththecornerofherapron。

‘Andnotwithstandingaofferedrewardoftenpound，whichwasafterwardsincreasedtotwentypound。Notwithstandingthemostsuperlative，and，Imaysay，supernat'ralexertionsonthepartofthisparish，’saidBumble，‘wehaveneverbeenabletodiscoverwhoishisfather，orwhatwashismother'ssettlement，name，orcon--dition。’

Mrs。Mannraisedherhandsinastonishment；butadded，afteramoment'sreflection，‘Howcomeshetohaveanynameatall，then？’

Thebeadledrewhimselfupwithgreatpride，andsaid，‘Iinwentedit。’

‘You，Mr。Bumble！’

‘I，Mrs。Mann。Wenameourfondlingsinalphabeticalorder。ThelastwasaS，--Swubble，Inamedhim。ThiswasaT，--Twist，Inamed_him_。ThenextonecomeswillbeUnwin，andthenextVilkins。Ihavegotnamesreadymadetotheendofthealphabet，andallthewaythroughitagain，whenwecometoZ。’

‘Why，you'requitealiterarycharacter，sir！’saidMrs。Mann。